________________________________________
Dr. House: I'm angry! You're risking a patient's life.
Dr. Cuddy: I assume those are two separate points.
________________________________________
Dr. House: I don’t think it’s a tumor.
Dr. Foreman: First year of medical school if you hear hoof beats you think "horses" not "zebras".
Dr. House: Are you in first year of medical school?
________________________________________
Dr. House: You see that? They all assume I'm a patient because of this cane.
Dr. Wilson: Then why don't you put on a white coat like the rest of us?
Dr. House: I don't want them to think I'm a doctor.
________________________________________
Dr. Cuddy: You don't prescribe medicine based on guesses. At least we don't since Tuskeegee and Mengele.
Dr. House: You're comparing me to a Nazi? [admiringly] Nice ...
________________________________________
Dr. House: Everybody lies.
Dr. Cameron: Dr. House doesn't like dealing with patients.
Dr. Foreman: Isn't treating patients why we became doctors?
Dr. House: No, treating illnesses is why we became doctors. Treating patients is what makes most doctors miserable.
________________________________________
Dr. Cameron: Why did you hire me?
Dr. House: Does it matter?
Dr. Cameron: Kind of hard to work for a guy who doesn't respect you.
Dr. House: Why?
Dr. Cameron: Is that rhetorical?
Dr. House: No, it just seems that way because you can't think of an answer. Does it make a difference what I think? I'm a jerk. The only thing that matters is what you think. Can you do the job?
Dr. Cameron: You hired a black guy because he had a juvenile record.
Dr. House: No, it wasn't a racial thing, I didn't see a black guy. I just saw a doctor... with a juvenile record. I hired Chase 'cause his dad made a phone call. I hired you because you are extremely pretty.
Dr. Cameron: You hired me to get into my pants?!
Dr. House: I can't believe that that would shock you. It's also not what I said. No, I hired you because you look good; it's like having a nice piece of art in the lobby.
Dr. Cameron: I was in the top of my class.
Dr. House: But not the top.
Dr. Cameron: I did an internship at the Mayo Clinic.
Dr. House: Yes, you were a very good applicant.
Dr. Cameron: But not the best?
Dr. House: Would that upset you, really? To think that you were hired because of some genetic gift of beauty, not some genetic gift of intelligence?
Dr. Cameron: I worked very hard to get where I am.
Dr. House: But you didn't have to. People choose the paths that grant them the greatest rewards for the least amount of effort. That's the law of nature, and you defied it. That's why I hired you. You could have married rich, could have been a model, you could have just shown up and people would have given you stuff. Lots of stuff, but you didn't; you worked your stunning little ass off.
________________________________________
Cuddy: I was expecting you in my office twenty minutes ago.
House: Really? Well, that's odd, because I had no intention of being in your office twenty minutes ago.
________________________________________
Dr. Cameron: What about sex?
Dr. House: Well, it might get complicated. We work together. I am older, certainly, but maybe you like that.
Dr. Cameron: I meant maybe he has neurosyphilis.
Dr. House: Heh, nice cover. [winks]
________________________________________
Dr. Foreman: No neurologist in his right mind would recommend that.
Dr. House: Show of hands: who thinks I'm not in my right mind? [nobody moves] And who thinks I forget this very basic neurological fact? [nobody moves again] Who thinks there's a third option?
[Dr. Chase raises his hand]
Dr. House: Very good. What's the third choice?
Dr. Chase: No idea. You just asked if I thought there was one.
________________________________________
Tattooed Walk-in Patient: [turning to leave] I should go.
Dr. House: You think it's going to come out on its own? [the patient stops] Are we talking bigger than a bread basket? Because, actually, it will come out on its own, which for small stuff is no problem - it's wrapped up in a nice soft package and plop. Big stuff - you're going to rip something, which, speaking medically, is when the fun stops.
Tattooed Walk-in Patient: How did you--
Dr. House: You've been here half an hour and you haven't sat down, that tells me its location. You haven't told me what it is, that tells me it's humiliating. You have a little birdy carved under your arm, and that tells me you have a high tolerance for humiliation, so I'm figuring it's not hemorrhoids. [pause for awkward silence] I've been a doctor twenty years. You're not going to surprise me.
Tattooed Walk-in Patient: It's an MP3 player.
Dr. House: [trying to keep himself from laughing] Hmm. Is it... is it because of the size, or the shape... or is it the pounding bass line?
Tattooed Walk-in Patient: What are we going to do?
Dr. House: I'm going to wait.
Tattooed Walk-in Patient: For what?!
[Scene change: House leaving the walk-in clinic]
Dr. House: [to the reception nurses] Okay. It's 3 o'clock, I'm off. Could you tell Dr. Cuddy there's a patient in exam room 2 that needs her attention? And the RIAA wants her to check for illegal downloads.
________________________________________
Nun: Sister Augustine believes in things that aren't real.
Dr. House: I thought that was a job requirement for you people.
________________________________________
Dr. House: [To Wilson] She has God inside her, it would have been easier to deal with a tumor.
Dr. Wilson: Maybe she's allergic to God.
________________________________________
Lucas Palmero: This is a good hospital?
Dr. House: Depends what you mean by "good". [looks around] I like these chairs.
________________________________________
Dr. House: Ah, my birthday. Normally I'd put on a festive hat and celebrate the fact that the Earth has circled the Sun one more time; I really didn't think it was going to make it this year, but darn it if it wasn't the little planet that could all over again.
________________________________________
Dr. Foreman: The kid was just taking his AP calculus exam when all of a sudden he got nauseous and disoriented.
Dr. House: That's the way calculus presents.
________________________________________
Dr. House: Like I always say, there's no "I" in "team." There is a "me," though, if you jumble it up.
________________________________________
Dr. Foreman: You assaulted that man.
Dr. House: Fine. I'll never do it again.
Dr. Foreman: Yes, you will.
Dr. House: All the more reason this debate is pointless.
________________________________________
Dr. Wilson: So your philosophy is, 'If they don't want treatment, they get it shoved down their throat, but if it might cure their paralysis, whoa, better slow down.'
Dr. House: Yeah. My old philosophy used to be 'Live and let live,' but I'm taking this needlepoint class and they gave us these really big pillows.
________________________________________
Dr. House: [breaking up an argument between Dr. Wilson and Dr. Foreman] Okay, you two! Grab some scalpels and settle this like doctors.
________________________________________
[House has just admitted he is addicted to Vicodin.]
Dr. House: I said I was an addict, I didn't say I had a problem. I pay my bills, I make my meals. I function.
Dr. Wilson: That all you want? You have no relationships.
Dr. House: I don't want any relationships.
Dr. Wilson: You alienate people.
Dr. House: I've been alienating people since I was three.
Dr. Wilson: Oh, come on! Drop it! You don't think you've changed over the last few years?
Dr. House: Of course I have. I've...I've gotten older. My hairs got thinner. Sometimes I'm bored. Sometimes I'm lonely. Sometimes I wonder what it all means.
Dr. Wilson: No. I was there. You are not just some regular guy who's getting older. You've changed! You're miserable! And you're scared to face yourself-
Dr. House: [slams his cane on the shelf] OF COURSE I'VE CHANGED!
Dr. Wilson: [pause] And everything's the leg? Nothing's the pills? They haven't done a thing to you?
Dr. House: They let me do my job. And they take away my pain.
Dr. House: I'm angry! You're risking a patient's life.
Dr. Cuddy: I assume those are two separate points.
________________________________________
Dr. House: I don’t think it’s a tumor.
Dr. Foreman: First year of medical school if you hear hoof beats you think "horses" not "zebras".
Dr. House: Are you in first year of medical school?
________________________________________
Dr. House: You see that? They all assume I'm a patient because of this cane.
Dr. Wilson: Then why don't you put on a white coat like the rest of us?
Dr. House: I don't want them to think I'm a doctor.
________________________________________
Dr. Cuddy: You don't prescribe medicine based on guesses. At least we don't since Tuskeegee and Mengele.
Dr. House: You're comparing me to a Nazi? [admiringly] Nice ...
________________________________________
Dr. House: Everybody lies.
Dr. Cameron: Dr. House doesn't like dealing with patients.
Dr. Foreman: Isn't treating patients why we became doctors?
Dr. House: No, treating illnesses is why we became doctors. Treating patients is what makes most doctors miserable.
________________________________________
Dr. Cameron: Why did you hire me?
Dr. House: Does it matter?
Dr. Cameron: Kind of hard to work for a guy who doesn't respect you.
Dr. House: Why?
Dr. Cameron: Is that rhetorical?
Dr. House: No, it just seems that way because you can't think of an answer. Does it make a difference what I think? I'm a jerk. The only thing that matters is what you think. Can you do the job?
Dr. Cameron: You hired a black guy because he had a juvenile record.
Dr. House: No, it wasn't a racial thing, I didn't see a black guy. I just saw a doctor... with a juvenile record. I hired Chase 'cause his dad made a phone call. I hired you because you are extremely pretty.
Dr. Cameron: You hired me to get into my pants?!
Dr. House: I can't believe that that would shock you. It's also not what I said. No, I hired you because you look good; it's like having a nice piece of art in the lobby.
Dr. Cameron: I was in the top of my class.
Dr. House: But not the top.
Dr. Cameron: I did an internship at the Mayo Clinic.
Dr. House: Yes, you were a very good applicant.
Dr. Cameron: But not the best?
Dr. House: Would that upset you, really? To think that you were hired because of some genetic gift of beauty, not some genetic gift of intelligence?
Dr. Cameron: I worked very hard to get where I am.
Dr. House: But you didn't have to. People choose the paths that grant them the greatest rewards for the least amount of effort. That's the law of nature, and you defied it. That's why I hired you. You could have married rich, could have been a model, you could have just shown up and people would have given you stuff. Lots of stuff, but you didn't; you worked your stunning little ass off.
________________________________________
Cuddy: I was expecting you in my office twenty minutes ago.
House: Really? Well, that's odd, because I had no intention of being in your office twenty minutes ago.
________________________________________
Dr. Cameron: What about sex?
Dr. House: Well, it might get complicated. We work together. I am older, certainly, but maybe you like that.
Dr. Cameron: I meant maybe he has neurosyphilis.
Dr. House: Heh, nice cover. [winks]
________________________________________
Dr. Foreman: No neurologist in his right mind would recommend that.
Dr. House: Show of hands: who thinks I'm not in my right mind? [nobody moves] And who thinks I forget this very basic neurological fact? [nobody moves again] Who thinks there's a third option?
[Dr. Chase raises his hand]
Dr. House: Very good. What's the third choice?
Dr. Chase: No idea. You just asked if I thought there was one.
________________________________________
Tattooed Walk-in Patient: [turning to leave] I should go.
Dr. House: You think it's going to come out on its own? [the patient stops] Are we talking bigger than a bread basket? Because, actually, it will come out on its own, which for small stuff is no problem - it's wrapped up in a nice soft package and plop. Big stuff - you're going to rip something, which, speaking medically, is when the fun stops.
Tattooed Walk-in Patient: How did you--
Dr. House: You've been here half an hour and you haven't sat down, that tells me its location. You haven't told me what it is, that tells me it's humiliating. You have a little birdy carved under your arm, and that tells me you have a high tolerance for humiliation, so I'm figuring it's not hemorrhoids. [pause for awkward silence] I've been a doctor twenty years. You're not going to surprise me.
Tattooed Walk-in Patient: It's an MP3 player.
Dr. House: [trying to keep himself from laughing] Hmm. Is it... is it because of the size, or the shape... or is it the pounding bass line?
Tattooed Walk-in Patient: What are we going to do?
Dr. House: I'm going to wait.
Tattooed Walk-in Patient: For what?!
[Scene change: House leaving the walk-in clinic]
Dr. House: [to the reception nurses] Okay. It's 3 o'clock, I'm off. Could you tell Dr. Cuddy there's a patient in exam room 2 that needs her attention? And the RIAA wants her to check for illegal downloads.
________________________________________
Nun: Sister Augustine believes in things that aren't real.
Dr. House: I thought that was a job requirement for you people.
________________________________________
Dr. House: [To Wilson] She has God inside her, it would have been easier to deal with a tumor.
Dr. Wilson: Maybe she's allergic to God.
________________________________________
Lucas Palmero: This is a good hospital?
Dr. House: Depends what you mean by "good". [looks around] I like these chairs.
________________________________________
Dr. House: Ah, my birthday. Normally I'd put on a festive hat and celebrate the fact that the Earth has circled the Sun one more time; I really didn't think it was going to make it this year, but darn it if it wasn't the little planet that could all over again.
________________________________________
Dr. Foreman: The kid was just taking his AP calculus exam when all of a sudden he got nauseous and disoriented.
Dr. House: That's the way calculus presents.
________________________________________
Dr. House: Like I always say, there's no "I" in "team." There is a "me," though, if you jumble it up.
________________________________________
Dr. Foreman: You assaulted that man.
Dr. House: Fine. I'll never do it again.
Dr. Foreman: Yes, you will.
Dr. House: All the more reason this debate is pointless.
________________________________________
Dr. Wilson: So your philosophy is, 'If they don't want treatment, they get it shoved down their throat, but if it might cure their paralysis, whoa, better slow down.'
Dr. House: Yeah. My old philosophy used to be 'Live and let live,' but I'm taking this needlepoint class and they gave us these really big pillows.
________________________________________
Dr. House: [breaking up an argument between Dr. Wilson and Dr. Foreman] Okay, you two! Grab some scalpels and settle this like doctors.
________________________________________
[House has just admitted he is addicted to Vicodin.]
Dr. House: I said I was an addict, I didn't say I had a problem. I pay my bills, I make my meals. I function.
Dr. Wilson: That all you want? You have no relationships.
Dr. House: I don't want any relationships.
Dr. Wilson: You alienate people.
Dr. House: I've been alienating people since I was three.
Dr. Wilson: Oh, come on! Drop it! You don't think you've changed over the last few years?
Dr. House: Of course I have. I've...I've gotten older. My hairs got thinner. Sometimes I'm bored. Sometimes I'm lonely. Sometimes I wonder what it all means.
Dr. Wilson: No. I was there. You are not just some regular guy who's getting older. You've changed! You're miserable! And you're scared to face yourself-
Dr. House: [slams his cane on the shelf] OF COURSE I'VE CHANGED!
Dr. Wilson: [pause] And everything's the leg? Nothing's the pills? They haven't done a thing to you?
Dr. House: They let me do my job. And they take away my pain.